


Always Attract

by Quackyeon



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Future Fic, M/M, mentions of mental health issues, suggestion of internalised homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-20 18:48:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10668651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quackyeon/pseuds/Quackyeon
Summary: Youngjae loves all of Yongguk, even the bits Yongguk doesn't love.





	Always Attract

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [kpopolymfics2017](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/kpopolymfics2017) collection. 



> This fic was written for K-Pop Olymfics 2017. Olymfics is a challenge in which participants write fics based on prompt sets and compete against other teams of writers, organized by genre. 
> 
> This is Team Future’s fic for the following prompt set:  
>  **Red Velvet – "Russian Roulette"**  
> [lyrics](https://colorcodedlyrics.com/2016/09/red-velvet-russian-roulette) | [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QslJYDX3o8s) | [supplementary](https://www.flickr.com/photos/sam_leonetti/6610158005/in/gallery-flickr-72157663033498841/) [prompts](http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/olymficsmod/37777224/648/648_900.jpg)
> 
> The other 2 fics for this prompt can be found in [the collection](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/kpopolymfics2017). Competition winners are chosen by the readers, so please rate this fic using [this survey](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1Vy_yBM9YwTtOqHY7IhQDRwKajLqZ8Bw7PLvCv74qZ5M/viewform?usp=drive_web&edit_requested=true)!
> 
> This fic was particularly inspired by this [prompt](http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/olymficsmod/37777224/648/648_900.jpg)

Loving Yongguk wasn't always easy. Youngjae had known that when they'd first gotten involved. Youngjae wouldn't say that he was baggage free, he wasn't. He'd had his fair share of heartbreak over the years. Starting with his long unrequited love for his best friend. Of course, he'd never told Daehyun but there had been nights where he'd go out and sit on the roof of the dorm building, heart aching, wanting to cry because he didn't know what to do with these feelings and he hated them. He despised them. He hated himself for even having them about his friend. His _best_ friend. His _male_ best friend. He just had not idea what to do with himself and that hurt even more. He'd always been the boy with the answers, the smartest in his class, and yet here he was sat on rooftop with a broken heart and a confused sense of self. 

It was Yongguk who'd come up and sit with him. At first they just sat in silence. Youngjae was thankful for the company but also glad that he didn't have to explain it to someone. Yongguk had eventually told Youngjae that he _knew_ , which had been the best and the worst day of Youngjae's life. He felt relieved that someone else knew and that Yongguk hadn't freaked out about it but at the same time terrifying that someone knew the secret he was trying so desperately to bury. He knew that Yongguk wasn't going to tell anyone especially not Daehyun and that was great. 

He looked over at the man lying in the bed next to him and sighed softly. He laughed when Yongguk grumbled something. "What are you thinking?" Yongguk repeated. Youngjae just gave him a little smile. He couldn't believe that he'd ended up in this situation. He'd thought that he was going to end up alone after he'd worked out that the feelings he had for Daehyun were not strictly him. He had realised very quickly after that he wanted to be with men and not women and that had stressed him out beyond belief. He wasn't even sure that he was ever going to get a happily ever after at that point in his life. He hadn't told Yongguk that he exclusively liked men, and Yongguk had never asked which was always a good thing. Youngjae hadn't been willing to say it out loud. 

"I was just thinking about us." Youngjae said, moving to face Yongguk properly, tracing over some of Yongguk's tattoos. God he loved Yongguk's tattoos, even the Tigger one that Yongguk didn't let other people know about. "I didn't know you liked guys until Daehyun's wedding." Youngjae didn't look up into Yongguk's eyes when he spoke about it. He just didn't know how to even begin expressing this without sounding like Yongguk was a second choice. Which was anything but true. Yongguk was always going to be his first choice, his only choice.

Youngjae was over Daehyun when the older man had gotten married. He'd moved on, he wasn't looking out for any man, he was pretty content being alone and he was pretty sure that he was going to end up being alone forever. He had accepted that he was just going to be his brothers kids and everyone from BAP's kids favourite uncle. He was pretty good at being the fun uncle so a whole life of that didn't seem so bad. 

"I didn't intend for us to have sex that night." Yongguk said quietly. Youngjae nodded. He hadn't either but it had happened. He'd felt really bad after, like he had under performed because Yongguk had stopped and they'd both just finished each other off with their hands. Youngjae had been mortified that he'd not been good enough in bed. "I knew I was your first and I felt bad that your first wasn't some sort of fairytale true love affair." 

Youngjae laughed a little, he was too old and too cynical to believe in something like that. He loved Yongguk now, Yongguk was his world now, he couldn't even imagine being with another man in any way. He didn't even know why he'd ever even wanted to kiss a different man. When he had the person he was meant to be with in front of him the whole time. "It was perfect, I just felt right." 

"You have dealt with a lot, being with me haven't you?" Yongguk said going quiet again. He shut his eyes and Youngjae felt his heart hurt. He knew what Yongguk was talking about but it had never once made him reconsider their relationship, or reconsider anything about their life together. 

"You can't help that." Youngjae said softly. Yongguk had severe anxiety and clinical depression and there was nothing he could to change that, and there was nothing Youngjae to do to fix that. Not that he even wanted to fix it, it was part of who Yongguk was and even if he saw it as a flaw, Youngjae didn't. Sure it wasn't the greatest thing about Yongguk but it was just like his deep voice, his gummy smile, his deep eyes. It was who he was and Youngjae couldn't help but love the whole package. 

When BAP had been together there had been times where it was apparent to everyone that Yongguk's mental health was failing him. There were times where they would all stay awake concerned for their leader. Youngjae remembered the heartbreaking moment when Yongguk had withdrawn from promotions because he couldn't physically get himself onto that stage. No one was angry with him, everyone tried to understand, but there was a limit to understanding and Youngjae knew he would never know exactly what was going on in the mind of the older man but he liked to feel that he was allowed to see as much as Yongguk could share. 

Youngjae had been with Yongguk through some bad nights, he'd been with Yongguk on days where they'd both gotten ready to go out to a restaurant and been sat in the car park when Yongguk had told Youngjae that he couldn't go in and that he just wanted to go home. Youngjae wished he could say that he'd always been the most understanding boyfriend in the world, but he would admit that there had been a few times where he hadn't reacted in the most sensitive way. 

He remembered one night in particular. They were supposed to be meeting the rest of BAP, and they had planned to tell them all about their relationship that night. When Yongguk had told Youngjae that he felt uncomfortable and didn't want to go in, Youngjae had thought that he was backing out of telling any of them about their homosexual relationship. That hadn't been the case at all and even to this day Youngjae felt guilty about the way he'd reacted. 

Yongguk had never mentioned it, he'd never mentioned any of the times that Youngjae had been less than tolerant to him and his conditions. Youngjae spent almost all of his time trying to show Yongguk that he was perfect despite his imperfections. In fact, it was Yongguk's imperfections that made him perfect. 

What hurt Youngjae the most was that Yongguk felt sorry. Youngjae hated that Yongguk felt like he needed to apologise, that he needed to make up for who he was. Youngjae felt his heart breaking thinking about the fact that his boyfriend felt like he was lacking in any way. 

"I love you Yongguk." Youngjae said softly. "I wouldn't change anything about you." That was a lie. If he could, he would take Yongguk's pain away. He would take away the anxiety and the depression and he would stop the man having to fight a battle with himself. He would do anything to see Yongguk happy, without him worrying about if the next day would be another sad day. 

Loving Yongguk wasn't easy. It had never been easy. But Youngjae didn't need it to be. He just needed the other to love him. Because Yongguk was the sun. He was so beautiful. It hurt him that the man had no idea, just how wonderful he was. He just wanted Yongguk to see him through his eyes for once. 

"Daehyun is bringing Jaemin over today." Youngjae said with a small smile. "That still ok with you?" 

"Mhm." Yongguk said quietly. "You know Jaemin can come over any time." 

"I know." Youngjae pressed a soft kiss to Yongguk's lips. "But I also know you've had a lot going on and I don't want him to aggravate anything." 

"You mean because our adoption request got denied." Yongguk said flatly. Youngjae just looked at the man and then nodded. "I wanted a baby, or a child, so we could share our love with a child who needed it." 

Youngjae knew that his man had wanted a child a lot more than he was saying. Youngjae knew that he would be an amazing daddy but right now he wasn't able to get that. Yongguk shifted in the bed, resting closer to Youngjae and pulling him closer by the hips. Youngjae looked at the man and breathed out, "I was so ready to have a baby with you." Youngjae said holding onto Yongguk's arm for security. "You're perfect." He breathed, looking Yongguk in the eyes so he could see his sincerity. 

"You know that's not true."


End file.
